Do you know all about April 1?
Yes, I'm fooly aware of it!
What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool's Day?
On one you're thankful and on the other you're prankful!
Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they've just finished a long March!
What's the best day for monkey business?
The first of Ape-ril!
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ?
Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !
Who invented fractions ?
Henry the 1/8 !
What does "Minimum" mean ?
A very small mother !
What does "Maximum" mean ?
A very big mother !
What's the difference between an American student and an English student ?
About 3000 miles !
What sleeps at the bottom of the sea ?
A kipper !
What's the nearest thing to silver ?
The Lone Ranger's bottom !
Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich ?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking !
What kind of biscuit would you find at the south pole ?
A penguin !
What is a skeleton ?
Bones, with the person off !
What is "out of bounds" ?
An exhausted kangaroo !
What is the most slippery country in the world ?
Greece !
What might you eat in Paris ?
The trifle tower !
If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five ?
Nine !
Who was the best actor in the bible ?
Samson, he brought the house down !
What kind of fish can't swim ?
Dead ones !
What do golfers use in China ?
China tees !
What is the strongest bird ?
A crane !
What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea ?
It gets wet !
What do Scotsmen eat ?
Tart'n'pie !
Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!
Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !
Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you ?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back !
Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age ?
Pupil: The sausage !
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !
Teacher: You new here aren't you, what's your name ?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith
Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.
Teacher: Why is that ?
Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name !
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses ?
Because his class was so bright !
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher ?
He couldn't control his pupils !
Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to ?
Pupil: Nobody I know !
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Do you Know? if not learn
Silly Answers
Q. What washes up on very small beaches?
A. Microwaves!
Q. What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?
A. A hole!
Q. What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A. The road!
Q. How do you make a bandstand?
A. Take away their chairs!
Q. Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A. The scientists were brainstorming!
Q. Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A. Because he couldn't find a date!
Q. What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A. Hi Cliff!
Q. What did Pooh say to his agent?
A. Show me the honey!
Q. Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A. Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q. Why did the traffic light turn red?
A. You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q. What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A. I think I'm coming down with something!
Q. What do lawyers wear to court?
A. Lawsuits!
Q. What breaks when you say it?
A. Silence!
Q. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A. Because then it would be a foot!
Q. What has four wheels and flies?
A. A garbage truck!
Q. What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A. Post Office!
Q. What did the blanket say to the bed?
A. Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q. Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A. To draw the curtains!
Q. How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A. One! After that its not empty!
Q. What kind of button won't unbutton?
A. A bellybutton!
BE THE BEST OF WHATEVER YOU ARE
If you can’t be a pine on top of the hill,
Be a scrub in the valley – but be
The best little scrub by the side of the hill,
Be a bush, if you cannot be a tree.
If you cannot be a bush, be a bit of the grass
And some highway happier make
If you cannot be a Muskier then just be a bass,
But, the loveliest bass in the lake!
We cannot all be captains; we have to be crew,
There is something for all of us here,
There is a big work to do and there is lesser to do
The task we must do is the near
If you cannot be a highway, then just be a trail
If you cannot be the sun, be a star;
It is not by the size that you win or you fail-
Be the best of WHATEVER YOU ARE.
By Douglas Malloch (American Poet)
RULES FOR A GOOD DAY
01. TODAY I WILL NOT STRIKE BACK If some one is rude, if someone is impatient, if someone unkind….I will not respond in a like manner.
02. TODAY I WILL ASK GOD TO BLESS MY “ENEMY” If I come across someone who treats me harshly or unfairly. I will quietly ask God to bless that individual. I understand the “enemy” could be family member, neighbor, co-worker, or a stranger.
03. TODAY I WILL BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT I SAY I will carefully choose and guard my words being certain that I do not spread gossip.
04. TODAY I WILL GO THE EXTRA MILE I will find ways to help share the burden of another person.
05. TODAY I WILL FORGIVE I will forgive any hurts or injury that came my way.
06. TODAY I WILL DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE, BUT I WILL DO IT SECRETLY: I will reach out anonymously and bless the life of another.
07. TODAY I WILL TREAT OTHERS THE WAY I WISH TO BE TREATED I will practice the golden rule – “Do unto others as I would have them do unto me” – with everyone I encounter.
08. TODAY I WILL RAISE THE SPIRIT OF SOMEONE! DISCOURAGED: My smile, my words, my expression of support, can make the difference to someone who is wrestling in life.
09. TODAY I WILL NUTURE MY BODY I will eat less: I will eat only healthy foods. I will thank God for my body. 10. TODAY I WILL I WILL GROW SPIRITUALLY; I will spend a little more time in prayer today: I will begin reading something spiritual or inspirational today: I will find a quite place (at some point during the day) and listen to God’s voice!!!
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
Oops!
* Has anyone seen my watch?
* That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
* Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
* Come back with that! Bad Dog!
* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
* Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingies
* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
* Damn, there go the lights again...
* Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
* Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
* What do you mean, he's not insured?
* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
* What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
* I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
* Let's hurry; I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
* Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
* Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
50 THINGS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW
2. Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.
3. Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions!
4. What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France.
5. "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
6. "Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.
7. In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child.
8. A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!
9. Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
10. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath1.
11. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
12. It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!
13. Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!
14. Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.
15. The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London.
16. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
17. Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!
18. The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!
19. One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!
20. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!
21. The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man.
22. Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails! Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!
23. The present population of 5 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080.
24. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
25. Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.
26. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.
27. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
28. Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren't added to it.
29. On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.
30. More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.
31. The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.
32. More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.
33. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
34. The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!
35. The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.
36. Earth is the only planet not named after a god.
37. It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.
38. You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.
39. Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!
40. Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
41. It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
42. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!
43. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
44. Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not.
45. Slugs have 4 noses.46 Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.
47. A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!
48. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
49. The average person laughs 10 times a day!
