Do you Know? if not learn

Do you know all about April 1?
Yes, I'm fooly aware of it!

What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool's Day?
On one you're thankful and on the other you're prankful!

Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they've just finished a long March!

What's the best day for monkey business?
The first of Ape-ril!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ?
Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !

Who invented fractions ?
Henry the 1/8 !

What does "Minimum" mean ?
A very small mother !

What does "Maximum" mean ?
A very big mother !

What's the difference between an American student and an English student ?
About 3000 miles !

What sleeps at the bottom of the sea ?
A kipper !

What's the nearest thing to silver ?
The Lone Ranger's bottom !

Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich ?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking !

What kind of biscuit would you find at the south pole ?
A penguin !

What is a skeleton ?
Bones, with the person off !

What is "out of bounds" ?
An exhausted kangaroo !

What is the most slippery country in the world ?
Greece !

What might you eat in Paris ?
The trifle tower !

If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five ?
Nine !

Who was the best actor in the bible ?
Samson, he brought the house down !

What kind of fish can't swim ?
Dead ones !

What do golfers use in China ?
China tees !

What is the strongest bird ?
A crane !

What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea ?
It gets wet !

What do Scotsmen eat ?
Tart'n'pie !

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!

Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you ?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back !

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age ?
Pupil: The sausage !

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Teacher: You new here aren't you, what's your name ?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith

Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.

Teacher: Why is that ?
Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name !

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses ?
Because his class was so bright !

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher ?
He couldn't control his pupils !

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to ?
Pupil: Nobody I know !

How a Son / Daughter thinks of his / her Daddy at different ages.

At 04 Years: My daddy is great

At 06 Years: My daddy knows every body.

At 10 Years: My daddy is good but is short tempered.

At 12 Years: My daddy was very nice to me when I was young.

At 14 Years: My daddy is getting fastidious.

At 16 Years: My daddy is not in line with the current times.

At 18 Years: My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.

At 20 Years: Oh! It is becoming difficult to tolerate daddy wonder how mom put up with him.

At 25 Years: Daddy objecting to everything.

At 30 Years: It is becoming difficult to manage my son I was scared of father when I was young.

At 40 Years: Daddy brought me up with so much discipline even I should do the same.

At 45 Years: I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.

At 50 Years: My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up I am unable to manage a single son.

At 55 Years: My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us.

At 60 Years: My daddy is great.

Thus it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st stage………..

Have You Thought of it!

BE THE BEST OF WHATEVER YOU ARE

If you can’t be a pine on top of the hill,
Be a scrub in the valley – but be
The best little scrub by the side of the hill,
Be a bush, if you cannot be a tree.

If you cannot be a bush, be a bit of the grass
And some highway happier make
If you cannot be a Muskier then just be a bass,
But, the loveliest bass in the lake!

We cannot all be captains; we have to be crew,
There is something for all of us here,
There is a big work to do and there is lesser to do
The task we must do is the near

If you cannot be a highway, then just be a trail
If you cannot be the sun, be a star;
It is not by the size that you win or you fail-
Be the best of WHATEVER YOU ARE.

By Douglas Malloch (American Poet)

RULES FOR A GOOD DAY

01. TODAY I WILL NOT STRIKE BACK If some one is rude, if someone is impatient, if someone unkind….I will not respond in a like manner.

02. TODAY I WILL ASK GOD TO BLESS MY “ENEMY” If I come across someone who treats me harshly or unfairly. I will quietly ask God to bless that individual. I understand the “enemy” could be family member, neighbor, co-worker, or a stranger.

03. TODAY I WILL BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT I SAY I will carefully choose and guard my words being certain that I do not spread gossip.

04. TODAY I WILL GO THE EXTRA MILE I will find ways to help share the burden of another person.

05. TODAY I WILL FORGIVE I will forgive any hurts or injury that came my way.

06. TODAY I WILL DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE, BUT I WILL DO IT SECRETLY: I will reach out anonymously and bless the life of another.

07. TODAY I WILL TREAT OTHERS THE WAY I WISH TO BE TREATED I will practice the golden rule – “Do unto others as I would have them do unto me” – with everyone I encounter.

08. TODAY I WILL RAISE THE SPIRIT OF SOMEONE! DISCOURAGED: My smile, my words, my expression of support, can make the difference to someone who is wrestling in life.

09. TODAY I WILL NUTURE MY BODY I will eat less: I will eat only healthy foods. I will thank God for my body. 10. TODAY I WILL I WILL GROW SPIRITUALLY; I will spend a little more time in prayer today: I will begin reading something spiritual or inspirational today: I will find a quite place (at some point during the day) and listen to God’s voice!!!

Know more about men

01. Men are like…………Bank Accounts,

Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest

02. Men are like……….Commercials

You can’t believe a word they say.

03. Men are like………Floor Tiles

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years

04. Men are like………Chocolates Bars,

Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your lips

05. Men are like………Coffee

The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

06. Men are like……….Blenders

You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

07. Men are like……….Coolers

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

08. Men are like……….Copiers

You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

09. Men are like………….Government Bonds

They take so long to mature

10. Men are like……….Newborn Babies,

They’re cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap

WHO IS DOCTOR

Protects & Cares for you…….. Like a Mother. Takes Responsibility & Decisions…….. Like a Father. Gives Reassurance & Support…… Like a Grand Father. Brings a Smile on Your Face……. Like a Friend. Guides you about your Health……… Like a Teacher.

Conclusion : you now I am also Doctor, because I was making all of you Laugh. So I am a Doctor without a Degree

A very intresting love story.

I think all of you knew this love story, if not please enjoy by reading this

Love story :
Hero loves heroine , but heroine loves the villain. But villain loves hero's sister,and hero's sister loves heroine's brother. Here, heroine's brother loves villain's sister. But villain's sister loves hero's brother. Again!, hero's brother is also interested in heroine , and you alredy know that heroine loves villain.

Finally 2 people commits sucide.

Who're they?


Producer and the Director

The husband store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Idiots on the computer

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
__________________

Stupid questions and great answers

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".